those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize