nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
