the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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