im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
