What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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