she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
