I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
