Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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