the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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