Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
