I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
