i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
