Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
