angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
the raccoons are back...
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