It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
