And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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