capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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