What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
