Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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