Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
