Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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