I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
