Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize