Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
