mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
there's paper in my vomit.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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