Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
