11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
