I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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