I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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