when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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