We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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