Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
