I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
