Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Text me some of your sweat
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