he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
