remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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