I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
