Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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