He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i was born a porn star she said
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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