Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
