i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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