that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
