Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't think brook has ever known best
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
