You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
