I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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