I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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