Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
