I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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