I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
