I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
