Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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