I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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