My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
