Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
