someone threw a dead crab at me
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
