clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
