Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
