Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
