omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize